So I got a new cell phone today. Or, I should say, my new cell phone arrived today. I had to order it, because I guess it’s sold out all over the place.

I’ve known people that get a new cell phone practically every month, seriously. This is my fourth cell phone, in my whole life. As far as I’ve ever been concerned… they’re just phones, people, not fashion accessories.

My first phone was some crappy little Nokia whose best feature was that it played Snake. Ahh snake.

Then I got some little flip phone thing, which I carried for years. A few years ago I finally got rid of it for a RAZR, which I really liked. It was small, looked cool, and did what it was supposed to do. And most importantly, it was a flip phone. For some reason I needed flip phones. I hated all others.

Now I’ve gotten my first phone that I would classify as one of those “Oh-my-god-it-has-so-many-features-I-hope-they-didn’t-forget-to-include-the-phone” phones. It’s one of those Voyagers, and I supposed it’s a flip phone, but it does not flip the way I like. So that was the biggest hurdle to overcome when I decided to buy it. Can I become a non-flip guy? I think I can.

The whole front of it is a touch screen, which I think is probably what turned my head to begin with. I liked the iPhone, but I didn’t “$400-and-change-my-service-provider” like it.

The Voyager has a qwerty keypad which, while I’m not a huge text messaging machine, I feel will quell my rage when texting from now on.

It also does music, tv, gps, makes coffee, teaches 5th grade history, and has some thin little radio antenna that pulls out of one side, which I can only guess is for causing lacerations to people’s faces.

Normally I would say “I have no use for any of that shit”, but I find with technology that you have no use for features until you have said features at your disposal. And then you find uses for them.

So if you start running into people with bloody slashes all over their face… that’s my antenna.