24

He Always Wins

August 26, 2019 by Tim

The first rule of Toddler Fight Club is: You do not talk about Sleepy Toddler Fight Club. The second rule of Sleepy Toddler Fight Club is: You do not talk about Sleepy Toddler Fight Club. Third rule of Sleepy Toddler Fight Club: You can’t yell “Stop!”, go limp, or tap out, because you’re unconscious to behin with. Fourth rule: Mommy never has to fight, apparently. Fifth rule: Both kids elbowing you in the back at the same time is fine, I guess. Sixth rule: Pajamas only. Seventh rule: Fights will go on until it’s time to make breakfast. And the eighth and final rule: If this is your first night at Sleepy Toddler Fight Club, welcome to your new normal.

 


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Jeff Skyrunner
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Jeff Skyrunner

It happens also with wife… I guess, of course, if I was supposed to talk about it… *look*

Nextgener
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Nextgener

Well on the Bright side, he doesn’t have long Nails.

…yet.

Tokeeto
Guest
Tokeeto

Mine does. I have no idea about how baby nails can grow at those speeds, but it’s pretty much like seeing Wolvering go “SNIKT”.
Both me an his mom run around with fresh cuts on our face and chest at all times.

Scott
Guest
Scott

Not just speedy growth, but also somehow they always taper to a single molecule. You could use toddler nails to claw through a steel wall!

Xunrel
Guest
Xunrel

Oh man… I know the feeling….

Spiderous
Member
Spiderous

Silver lining: You get to say “You should see the other guy” and pretend to be a badass.

foducool
Guest
foducool

except the other guy is like 4yo and completely fine ^^

wkz
Guest
wkz

That is why they Must. Never. Find. Out.

The Schaef
Guest
The Schaef
Casi
Guest
Casi

I knew it was that before i even clicked it.

Him.
Guest
Him.

“You should see the other guy!”
“Did he get the worst of it?”
“He…um…he’s two feet after it happened, does that count?”

The rAt
Guest
The rAt

That strategy is less effective when you have a daughter.

Bwauder
Guest
Bwauder

Throwing them over the ropes and onto the floor doesn’t help either.
Even if you manage to avoid a “referees” penalty, they will still somehow sneak back into the ring and land a dirtier blow later.

Brent
Guest
Brent

I am Jack’s walking coma.

Urazz
Guest
Urazz

Looks like Mom is smart and makes sure she faces away from the kid so he doesn’t sock her one in the face like he did you Tim.

MacLeod
Guest
MacLeod

This is why some people have the “never let the child sleep with you” rule.

FITCamaro
Guest
FITCamaro

Unless you lock your door so they can’t get in, it’s not that you “let them”. It’s that they decide they want to. And sometimes that’s how you discover they’re there in bed with you. My son literally acts like a ninja coming in our room and bed. Sometimes he’s better than others. But I’ve watched him come in our door, crawl along the floor, and poke his head up over the edge of the bed to see if his approach was successful.

Elad
Guest
Elad

my kids never slept in our bed nor ever will, it’s off limits thank you very much

FITCamaro
Guest
FITCamaro

Yeah I have never said my son could. He just does it. And punishment does nothing to deter it. I take him back to bed most of the time but sometimes I’m just too exhausted to do so. He’s incredibly persistent.
We started locking our door and that has curtailed it some, but not entirely. We don’t want to lock the door every night in case he actually needs us.

James Rye
Guest
James Rye

Sounds like a cat to me.

Eldest Gruff
Guest

Maybe invest in doorknobs that lock from the inside for your room.

I mean, likely there are a few things that you wouldn’t want Junior walking in on.

FITCamaro
Guest
FITCamaro

That doesn’t mean you lock it before you go to sleep though.

MacLeod
Guest
MacLeod

Yeah, if you don’t have a door that can lock in your room when you have a wife.. something is wrong with you. Unless you want them to come in while you’re spending some passion time with your wife.. Also .. and? have you not let them know that this is not ok? You know.. getting up and taking them back to bed when you discover it? if you let it slide, then they of course think they got away with it. Not to mention you have a LOT bigger problems on your hand if they go with the “do… Read more »

KBABZ
Guest
KBABZ

There are plenty of doorknobs (usually spherical in shape) that have a button you can push so that they lock from the outside, but turning them on the inside automatically unlocks them.

matt
Guest
matt

I am an insomniac and an extremely light sleeper. I still can’t count the times I’ve woken up, went to kiss my wife and found my daughter or younger son staring me in the face. They’ve learned ninja skills over the years. Delta force could take lessons from them. That said, my daddy spider senses manage to wake me most of the time and I can intercept them with pleas to using the potty, getting a drinking of water and I’ll lay down in their room with them (for 2 minutes until they are asleep, or 2hrs and a sore… Read more »

Jeff
Guest
Jeff

This is such a closed caption of my life with ~3yr old twins. Wait, what was rule one again? Darn.

Robert
Guest
Robert

I feel your pain. I have a floater in my right eye from STFC.

Evilleet
Guest
Evilleet

I would just put the kid in his/her own bed, tuck him/her in tight and go on with my life. vOv

CRN
Guest
CRN

I can so relate to this. I have two boys (5 and 2) and my older one loves to join sleeping in our bed at 2AM every night.
I once woke up to his rear being parked right in front of my face when he let out a big fart while still sleeping. -.-

Padraic
Guest
Padraic

My Oldest son, when he was a baby, kept waking me up while mom was sleeping with him in the bed, trying to nurse him. I got frustrated, got up, went to go sleep on the couch since I had an early day for work, as my wife decided that he needed to be changed. I found out, in the morning, that my son had peed our bed. While that doesn’t sound like much, picture this: We have a queen bed. My wife was just below the halfway point towards the foot of the bed, changing my son. He managed… Read more »

FITCamaro
Guest
FITCamaro

LMAO. To real Tim.

TheCK
Guest
TheCK

You know there is a simple way to fix that. Kids sleep in their own beds 🙂

Adopted that one before ever having kids and I’m pretty sure the professionals in the medical community even recommends it…….

FITCamaro
Guest
FITCamaro

Glad your kids are perfect and always just listen when you asked them to stay in their bed. 😉

Prototypekyo
Guest
Prototypekyo

When my daughter was younger we told her that monsters live in the closet of our bedroom and that we sleep in that room so they cant escape. She not once ever came in our room. I move a lot in my sleep and last thing i needed was to crush my daughter plus sleeping with children is undesirable.

s1rl0in
Guest
s1rl0in

I am sorry to tell you, but no. Children sometimes just need to be close to you or else they (and therefor you too) will be awake all night. Also if you have a sound sleep you won’t hear them coming in.
There are even real studies that prove that it is normal as well to sleep together in the same bed. Only think about many asian and african countries where it is normal that all people sleep in the same room.
Actually it is just the “civilized westerners” that have adopted the habit of separated sleeping.

Cheuk
Guest
Cheuk

Heh, my boy is 2 yrs old, and the perfect height to kick me in the balls when I’m carrying him. I perfectly understand

Padraic
Guest
Padraic

Having had 3 kids in bed, all of them nursing, at separate times, I can attest that this is all true! I’ve woken up, come back from the shower, and my wife would comment on the bruises that I have all over my back and chest. She would then ask what the heck happened… I would do my Will Smith gesture to the kid in the bed… She would always look shocked! Like, suddenly, our kid became an MMA version of Mohammed Ali! Yup, ice a plenty there Tim!

martin A stringer
Guest
martin A stringer

I told my wife I didn’t like my then 1 or so year old sleeping anymore with us instead of in her own bed, because i wake up with her foot in my ear. She thought I was being hyperbolic, till she woke up and actually SAW the little monster laying with her head on her shoulder and foot in my ear.

ViHa
Guest
ViHa

My solution was to get the kids adult sized beds. When they crush my bed, I’ll change for theirs and let the wife fight with them 🙂

apollo
Guest
apollo

This might be genius.

Matthew Sharpe
Guest
Matthew Sharpe

That’s why we taught ours early on to sleep on the floor in her sleeping bag! XD XD XD

Boomchickenpop
Guest
Boomchickenpop

I feel your pain. My kid had a bad habit of kicking me after a “nightmare”.

Dan
Guest
Dan

Just last week got a kick to the groin by the youngest (2 years old). That’s when his butt got hauled off back to his crib. My wife was very nice and handled him when he woke up again so I could sleep. I married up, that’s for sure.

Trevor Sheff
Guest
Trevor Sheff

It’s amazing how such a tiny little body can create so much force between 2 sleeping adults. Cute little sleeping ninjas! I know this all too well. Sad part is by the time we get the current one to her bed, little sister will be wanting in ours. I’m stuck for the next few years still.

Save me!!!

The Schaef
Guest
The Schaef

Just wait until they head-butt you on the bridge of your nose. The pain is blinding.

Leon
Guest
Leon

Suddenly you want him to grow up quickly………

Johnny H
Guest

Truth! The number of times I have had to abandon my bed to find a ‘safe space’ to sleep are innumerable.

Sleep Fighting is real.

Brad
Guest
Brad

While on vacation I had the great idea to put a pillow in between me and my toddler. Jerk threw the pillow on the floor so he could resume kicking me…

Robert Loughrey
Guest
Robert Loughrey

Real Rule of Toddler fight club: Sleep in your own damn bed.

Andrew
Guest
Andrew

Man, my 2 year old girl does the exact same thing. Ninjas her way in, then always ends up head towards her mum, feet in my face and/or throat. If I try to shuffle further away she chases me across the bed and eventually we have this whole Luke and Yoda sleepy piggyback thing going on. Had a good chuckle at Nextgener’s earlier comment about fingernails. You’d be forgiven for thinking those things are made of razorblades, no matter the length haha.

Abateman121
Guest
Abateman121

Lol so true about those little razor blades. I cut my daughters every couple of days and the slices she leaves on me would make wolverine proud. Very relate able comic Tim!

Garanimoo
Guest
Garanimoo

My spouse actually had to go to the hospital and wear an eyepatch for a week due to tiny person razor blade fingers.

GreatNate
Guest

I keep thinking about the comedy skit Tae Kwon Leap, and it’s accompanying song “Boot to the Head”

Kix Acelot
Guest
Kix Acelot

We have a small fold-out mattress that we keep under our bed for just such an occasion. Our kids have learned that we love them but they are not welcome on our bed. They can come in, get the mattress from under the bed and sleep in our room all they want, just can’t get ON the bed.

Gobo
Guest

I too have been the unsuspecting extra in Early Bird Kung Fu Action Hour.

Harold
Guest
Harold

THIS IS SO TRUE, I got fed up with it and just ended up sleeping on the floor. Then got a futon from amazon.

MacLeod
Guest
MacLeod

Or.. you know.. you’re the damn adult, have the child of which needs to follow your guidance SLEEP IN THEIR OWN BED!

Watto
Guest
Watto

I am betting heavily on Sebulba, he always wins.

Admiral Casual
Guest
Admiral Casual

I feel like this is an excellent example of why never to have children. I mean…that and the expense of having one, dealing with the grocery store tantrums which I born witness to MANY times in my line of work, school, homework, sleepless nights, and then there’s the fun of those teenage years, cars, teaching how to drive, insurance, to say nothing of girls, the whole process of getting married, praying to God they’re getting with a respectable member of society, I could go on forever. Point is, just not my cup of tea. I’d rather keep all my money,… Read more »

Bwauder
Guest
Bwauder

For public/shopping tantrums I found the most effective solution was to just walk away, and as the screaming terror realises that a) they aren’t getting their way and b) dad/mum has disappeared, the noise ceases abruptly and the chase begins. The key is to get just out of the little monsters sight and watch/wait so you can catch them – before child services and the local police have you “helping with their inquiries”. As a bonus the relief of not being abandoned makes them forget the reason for the tantrum, and wary of trying it again just in case you… Read more »

Admiral Casual
Guest
Admiral Casual

The way my Father fixed problems in my younger years was just to grab me by the ear and whisper “if you don’t stop NOW, you’re gonna get a whuppin’ when we get home”. He was consistent in this threat, and never really had to do it more than a few times before my child mind realized that throwing a fit and making a lot of noise will never acquire what is desired. This imprint has lasted to this day, where I regard losing my temper as a great embarrassment, and strive to avoid it, no matter what.

Marky Spark
Guest
Marky Spark

Well, as long as you appreciate what your parents did for you, and you’re there for the rest of your family, fair enough. Oh, and you’re gay, celibate or neutered too, otherwise you’re rolling the dice each time you have sex 😀

I didn’t want kids, one came along, and he’s pretty damn cool. Made me grow up, stop being a selfish brat, and do something with my life. He also has taught me more than almost anyone else.

Admiral Casual
Guest
Admiral Casual

I surrendered my reproductive rights as part of the World of Warcraft: Burning Crusade EULA back in 2008, so I think I’m pretty safe when it comes to dice rolls.

Resulli
Guest
Resulli

Personally I can’t sleep with other people in the same bed. I tend to sprawl out and toss around a lot in my sleep and any blockage will make me uncomfortable to the point I wake up constantly. It’s always a godsend when the girlfriend goes home and I can sleep comfortably again.

Crestlinger
Guest
Crestlinger

Either locking door or sturdy helmet/pillow.
https://ostrichpillow.com/products/ostrichpillow-original for the second.

Ron
Guest
Ron

And… just to confirm… that’s not justification for “sorry, son, but you’re sleeping in your own bed forever?”

Smythe
Guest
Smythe

Ah yes, the classic “H” formation. Always better to get the head than the feet, but not by much.

apollo
Guest
apollo

Based on these comments why would you ever want children?

Garanimoo
Guest
Garanimoo

pro tip: Get a couch in your room and pretend they are under no circumstances allowed to sleep on the couch. Then at 4am they try not to wake you so they can have the couch and/or if they had a bad dream you can make a “one time” exception and let them sleep there. Doesn’t help with the snoring or the sleep-talking, but at least the unexplained bruises should stop.

Spork
Guest
Spork

Kidney shot, multiple times. Woke up wondering what the hell had hit me, then quickly realized that the kid has some serious power, had to get up and take a leak to check for blood. Then the worst one, nothing says good morning like a perfectly executed axe kick to the balls.

Daminica
Guest
Daminica

This is all too familiar, good thing for me is, we are getting a grip on this and our toddler is starting to sleep in his own bed full night more and more. (No garauntees).

And my wife says, let’s go for a second one,… it will be fun…

Matt
Guest
Matt

So true. Mine are well past toddlerhood now. It gets better. I did all of the night stuff for my kids as my wife is A) Not a middle of the night person and B) not a morning person. The house could be burning down and it would still take her 15 minutes to wake up and get out of bed. Once my youngest hit about 3 I finally realized I didn’t have to take it anymore. Queen sized bed, a wife and a toddler/young child trying to sleep in it with me was a recipe for crap sleep. They… Read more »

Jay
Guest
Jay

Our toddler is almost 2 and we’re at our wits end. We put her in a sleep slack in the crib, but she often manages to squirm out of the sleep sack and can scale the crib easily. She then gets in her sisters bed or our bed and starts kicking people to make room.

Bryan Steffen
Guest
Bryan Steffen

OMG so true!

Marky Spark
Guest
Marky Spark

Wish it was only black eyes….

My kid has broken two of my teeth, a crown, and a dental implant. Knocked it through my upper mandible, had it rattling around in my sinus until the dentist fished it out.

Shoham
Guest
Shoham

Accurate

Kaladorn
Guest
Kaladorn

It’s sad the younglings forget their pre-loaded MMA close quarters combat strikes and have to relearn them as an older child or teen if they want to be capable of self-defense. Or have some siblings around the same age… that seems to be another personal protection education stream. This whole collection of commiseration (and I have no trouble imagining that… my 12 year old step-daughter likes to wrestle and her back and legs are strong… I still know more nerve points and which ways joints bend to be uncomfortable, but once I teach her all my trained skills, I pity… Read more »

wolph
Guest

Your first problem is letting the kid sleep in your bed. If you have to, add a separate bed for the kid in your room or the other way around. But _never_ let them sleep in your bed cause nobody will sleep (yes… experience, my SO gives in at times causing me to find another bed to sleep in)

ECTreece
Guest
ECTreece

Mom gets kicked in the chest. Bruises only show if you have to go the doctor. Then you have to explain you are not being abused at home.