Celebutant

April 14, 2006 by Tim

I hope you’ll pardon my venting a bit. While Paris Hilton has always disgusted me, over the last week or so while renovating my apartment, I would have the TV on in the background and ‘The Simple Life’ would come on. I had managed to have never seen this show before, but after finally being repeatedly exposed to Paris over such a short period of time, some mechanism in my brain snapped.

I hold out hope that people only watch Paris for the same reason they stare at car accidents; it’s so horrifying and yet, you can’t pull yourself away.

It’s amazing that people don’t even have to do anything to become famous now. Apparently having a rich daddy is all it takes.

Hell, if it’s that easy, I’m going to start laying the groundwork so that I can give my children a glamorous life filled with all of the most expensive things. And I need your help to do it.

I’d like to announce that I just signed a multi-million dollar contract with a private firm to open the first of many CAD Hotelsâ„¢. We’ll be opening in six major U.S. cities in mid-2007, with worldwide locations to follow.

These hotels will be my legacy, and they will be geared towards gamers. The rooms won’t contain a bed, a bathroom, or those stupid little desks that nobody uses. Instead one entire wall will be comprised of a projection video screen, and all of the latest games will be available for play for only $2.95 a minute. There will be a little bucket in the corner for relieving yourself. And that’s it. That’s all that’s in the room, because that’s all a gamer needs.

Our website will be online soon, and I need all of you to do your part by booking your vacations at my wonderful establishments. Only via your wallets will my hotel empire conquer the earth!

But don’t do it for me. Please, please think of my children. By erecting a billion-dollar conglomeration, I will be able to provide my children with a life of luxury. A life that they’ll be able to coast through on a padded trail of money, never needing to develop simple skills like tying their own shoes, or feeding themselves. Job skills? What’s the point when you have more money than god?

Our society doesn’t have enough famous-because-they-can-buy-fame celebutants, and I’m looking to remedy that. It all begins here, today, with you and me. Together we can make it happen.

Together, you and I can make a difference.


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